I am in a season when words come slowly. This happens to me now and again. As if the databases of my mind go down, and I forget how to do what has come so easily in the past. Perhaps this happens to you, too. And like a computer that’s frozen, my mind needs a hard reboot.
It’s taken me years to realize that none of this is within my control. Nor is it my fault. My brain is made this way, for better or worse. I’ll admit that it’s frightening. I worry that the words won’t come back. And I wonder if I can possibly know who I am if the words don’t come back. And then I begin to freak out.
For a long time (longer than I like) I used unkind measures against myself to ignite a spark. I’ve shamed myself. I’ve weaponized fear against myself by committing to projects and deadlines that would force me to write. And it’s true, I might have found some words. But the writing always felt desperate (and sometimes read as desperate), painful. And I’m not really interested in peddling pain.
I know I’m not alone. This Raymond Carver quote has buoyed me through more than one difficult season:
“When I’m not writing, it’s as if l’ve never written a word or had any desire to write. I fall into bad habits. I stay up too late and sleep in too long. But it’s okay. I’ve learned to be patient and to bide my time.”
Click here to continue reading SoulWork Feb 2025–Issue 7: amateur efforts
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Chelsey D. Hillyer // Amateur Efforts 